I am coming back, seeping back into myself, with a disturbing  feeling that my desire to be alone these days is ethically marred.  i developed somewhere a shrill anxiety beast that won’t let me be, hashtag doompainter, hashtag gnawingthing

Sentience <—> Sentence

put the i in sentence and you get sentience.

and the shampoo, and the dee-eye-vee-or-icy-ee, and the studio, and as a self that includes one adult and two children. plus all the mandatory sitting still and staring. and working on my family’s place in Kentucky, and at this gruesomely difficult time for my kids,

I had to do a tarot read on my [illegible], and thank gods it turned out great. the funny thing is, I drew the accidentally present Ordo Templi Orientis card for the one representing how I am perceived. This text face card is meant to be set aside, perhaps used in place of a card gone missing. It has the same back as the rest of the deck, but the face of it is an array of texts, from the flashlight-under-the-chin mystical declaration, “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law” and below that,”love is the law, love under will,” all the way down the card to “copyright 1978 by U.S. Games Systems, Inc.” and finally, “Printed in Belgium.”

machine is trying to be encouraging. there is not only pacing with feet, endless, sometimes the pacing doesn’t even lead to writing. there is also mental pacing, there’s words leaking out the sides because the typist won’t stop eating almonds and goji berries. finally and at long last, the body’s health switch flipped, it was the korean red ginseng that tipped me aright. it tasted foul and bitter the first couple of days. my taste for coffee and sugar left me, i haven’t had a drop of coffee since my first cup of ginseng tea, the oily paste. on day 3 it began to taste good and now it’s my preferred drink. i had sugar 4 or 5 times, old faves, and each time was less appealing, the aftertaste, i remember how i dreaded accidental encounters with sugar when I was in my 7 years of total abstinence from it. one day at a could i possibly achieve sugar free to match my nicotine free?!